"I’d rather go wild & risk failing than stay safe hoping for the world to change"
- Marie-Pier Tremblay
Like most things in life I started this project off with rose-tinted glasses, high expectations and filled to the brim with motivation and excitement.
Fast forward not too many weeks and I missed my first planned upload, and another one, and then one more and on and on and on.
So here I am, trying to write. Typing and deleting paragraphs over and over and over again.
Trying to come up with something that will be worth reading, that will impact at least one person who does so.
The words come out slowly, not wanting to make their way from my brain onto the page. I am no stranger to this feeling, and I don’t think anyone trying to create really is.
The question of whether I have anything worthwhile to say is at the forefront of my mind and so I keep deleting, and typing, and deleting.
For obvious reasons sticking with projects like this is hard for me, as it is for many people with ADHD. We get really excited and rush headlong into things with tons of motivation fueled by our dopamine craving brains. But then when we have to stick with it after a while the dopamine fades and so does the motivation to keep it up even if it's something important to us. On top of that comes the internal pressure to be perfect and the guilt and shame for not being able to realize yet another project.
The pile of started and never finished endeavors over the course of my life so far is easy to interpret as a long list of failures.
I’m currently in the process of redefining what failure means. If you're reading this it means I have managed to post it which in turn means I can officially say that my stopping to post wasn’t failure, just a little set back. It means I can pick up where I left off even if I mess up sometimes.
I am trying to take the wonderful Marie-Pier Tremblays advice (check her out on Instagram @selfgrowthnerds as well as her podcast by the same name <3) and not make it mean anything about myself if I don’t meet my own expectations. It doesn’t mean I’m useless or not good enough or any of the other horrific things I tend to tell myself.
It just means I am human, I am growing and sometimes I don’t take as many steps forward as I would like, sometimes I don’t move at all and sometimes I take a step back. Whatever the case I am still worthy and can pick up where I left off when I am ready.
One big reason for the long gap was the aforementioned shame for “failing” to keep my upload schedule.
The fear of judgment, mainly from myself can be paralyzing.
I usually swing wildly between destructive perfectionism and an equally problematic “fuck-it-that’ll-do” attitude, neither of which a particularly helpful when pursuing long term projects.
BUT, I am trying to get back on the horse so to speak and continue what I started.
The imagined biweekly schedule might be a bit unrealistic though if we’re being honest. I will do what I can and post at least semi-regularly.
Speaking of which I have plans to (finally) write up something about my wonderful West Highland Way hike as well as my Iceland trip. I’m not going to promise a time but look out for those.
This is going to be a short post, but you know what? It’s a start and definitely better than nothing!
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