“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard nor welcomed, but when we are silent we are still afraid, so it is better to speak,”
- Audre Lorde
In the online hiking community there's a lot of talk about how heavy your backpack is. Are you an ultralighter? Lightweight? Or more of a traditional backpacker?
The conversation about base weight and how to cut it are never ending.
I have spent an incredible amount of money on ultralight gear in preparation of my upcoming hike of the PCT in 2024.
My setup is far from ultralight with a baseweight of approximately 8kg (~17ish lbs) but I am very happy with it.
One thing I am going to carry with me though that I would rather leave behind is the mental baggage I have been lugging around with me my entire life.
Every time I have uprooted my life so far there has been the delusional thought that I would leave my negative thoughts behind in whichever place i left.
But alas, here I am, a grown ass woman after years of therapy and growth, still struggling with a lot of the thoughts I have been carrying with me and, to a point, holding on to, for as long as I can remember.
Negative body image is by far not the only baggage I carry but it is one of the ones lingering with me pretty much constantly and is probably the one I am most ashamed of.
I have always avoided putting up mirrors in my rooms. When moving into my current flat I got gifted a floor length mirror which I put up in the hallway and which is covered up most of the time.
All because I go through phases of not being able to look at my reflection without a barrage of intrusive thoughts about my appearance.
They tell me I'm unattractive, ugly, disgusting, too pudgy and not defined enough, not fit enough, not thin enough, not… enough.
They tell me my worth is tied to my appearance and also that I should not only be ashamed of my looks but also about the fact that I think that way.
Don’t I call myself a feminist? Aren’t I too old for such adolescent insecurities? Isn’t it pathetic that I waste so much of my mental energy on some societal beauty standards that I full well know are rooted in patriarchy, misogyny and sexism?
I have never and would never think that way about anyone but myself.
I would be horrified if I heard any of my friends talk to themselves that way and would be able to give them millions of reasons how none of those thoughts reflect reality and how distorted their perception really is.
And yet, that is the reality of my thoughts about myself.
I am perfectly aware of that cognitive dissonance but those thought patterns are so deeply ingrained in me that I can’t seem to shake them.
I recently had the opportunity to go canyoning and in order to get to the start point we had to hike for about 20 minutes in nothing but our swim clothes. Past other hikers and strangers. I felt so incredibly uncomfortable and the shame I felt about myself was so overwhelming it took tremendous effort not to cry.
I feel pathetic even just writing this and the thought of sharing it terrifies me to no extent.
I also have to confess that I lied to you.
In the title I alluded to the fact that reading this will tell you how to lighten your load. how to get rid of at least some of the baggage each of us carry around with us.
But the truth is; I don’t know.
I don’t know how we can leave behind deeply ingrained beliefs about ourselves and the world we live in.
The only escape I can offer is to attempt to be kinder. To others and most importantly to ourselves. This however is much easier to be said than done.
In lightening my hiking backpack I have tried to get rid of anything that isn’t strictly necessary. Anything that I don’t use daily or will need in case of emergency or common situations.
Over the course of my different long distance hikes I have honed down on what I need to survive in the wilderness and be as comfortable as possible doing so.
I still carry so-called “luxury items” like an inflatable pillow or lotion and hair conditioner.
But when it comes to mental baggage I seem to be having a much harder time leaving the things behind that don’t serve me and weigh me down.
I am working on being kinder to myself and giving the parts of my mind that generate those nasty comments what they need instead of trying to push them away.
Ignoring and running away hasn’t yielded great results for me.
Neither has body positivity. The jump to believing positive things about myself is simply too far of a leap.
Instead I am trying my hand at so-called body neutrality. Concentrating on the wonderful and amazing things it helps me to do and experience.
My body has carried me through hundreds of miles of astonishing nature and has endured grueling climbs and steep descents.
I wish I could tell you that this has helped me to get to a healthier place.
And sometimes it has, but I keep falling back into those old patterns and into the darkest and most vile places of my mind.
Progress isn’t linear. I know that and it’s what I try to hold on to when I stumble and fall down those negative thought spirals.
I don’t give up and am working on showing up with compassion for myself.
I think what helps is to know that I am not alone.
So if you’ve gotten this far and any of this has resonated with you I hope it has shown you that neither are you.
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